Thursday, July 29, 2010

An Open Letter to Patrick

As some of you may know, I recently made a move to Chicago. A long story short, I took a job here and went on my merry way. Patrick Logan Russell did NOT take this well, and he has been rude and callous ever since. He just told me that I can no longer contact him directly to update him on my life- aka no calls, texts, gchats, facebook messages, or pages- so I am going to update him via this open letter.

Dear Patrick,

Good morning. I guess in Indy it is afternoon now. I hope your new job is going well.
I just wanted to give you a brief but thorough update on my life since I have been in Chicago. It's really been a whirlwind.
I arrived Sunday around 6pm. The guy whose apartment I am subletting is "not gay," but he is a hairdresser who wears skinny jeans, and his girlfriend barely speaks english (she is from Hong Kong), so who knows. Anyway, when I arrived they were nice enough to help me unload my packed jeep. When the girl saw Jixy Meow, she pointed, smiled ear to ear, and said "Garfield!" But she had an asian accent, so it was more like "gaaahfeeldd!"
Once they had left me, I got to unpacking. Once I was unpacked, I got scared that I would soon be raped and pillaged so I drank a whole bottle of wine so as to ease my fears, and then I passed out. So that's Sunday.
Monday morning, I got up bright and early for work. I arrived to a warm welcome- even the guy up in the mailroom (whose name in Ponce by the by) sent me a welcome back email. I have been in training and am sad to report that nothing too exciting has happened since I've been here.
Actually that's a lie. We went to lunch on my first day and I immediately decided who I like and hate. The lunch took awhile (12 noon and the most crowded restaurant on michigan ave), but some of my lunch mates decided that this was unacceptable and threw some kind of a hissy fit. One guy nearly cried and another went wild over the fact that he didn't get a roll with his salad. "He needed some carbs," he lamented, although he ordered his chicken grilled and asked for no croutons so I thought that it was his own damn fault.
Also my friend Dave drunkenly shaved his head so that was fun.
Monday night I slept without the aid of wine, although I can't say the same for Tuesday. Wednesday I had date night with my two sweet potatoes, Becki and Tara. We went to a mexican restaurant where I ordered a cheese burger, and then Becki and I drank blue berry vodka for quite some time. After that, we went to my house to sleep like two crack whores on a foam mattress and we turned on my all time favorite movie (besides That Thing You Do! and 500 Days of Summer) - FEVER PITCH. I decided we needed more wine so we killed the bottle I had open and then I put a bottle in the freezer and promptly passed out. I discovered it this morning- total bummer.
Becki, in her usual life ruining manner, allowed me to sleep until approx 7:53 (I have to be here at 8) so i woke in a panic, brushed my teeth, packed some grapes, and flew out the door in a very low cut sundress and a torn sweater, with my makeup from yesterday morning and my greasy hair in a pony tail. So not much has changed in my work life. I forgot my wallet though, so now I am going to go home to get it, because I need a greasy sandwich from the corner bakery. So that is all thats going on with me. Whats new with you?

Your friend,