Friday, April 13, 2012

Interesting things i have come across in the past 30 days

With the internet being kind of a big deal, and with me being kind of a curious individual, i thought I would share some of the stranger things that I've discovered in my internet travels.

1. Picnic Pants exist

That's right, picnic pants. Just in case pajama jeans, jeggings, snuggies, and dicktowels weren't enough in the world of interesting costume design, some crazy Italian company had to come along and create these. They are designed to make you look like Aladdin (pre-genie) when you stand up, and then they stretch nice and tight so that you can pop a plate on them and eat right there on the floor. Everyone needs a pair!

2. Everyone grows up and loves beer. Everyone.

Remember that adorable boy band Hansen? Those shaggy haired, probably Mormon, cuties who sang MmmBop, as well as an array of other hits (my personal favorite was "Lucy")? Well, they have grown up and moved on to much more important things than music. That's right, now they brew beer. And what do you think they named their extra hoppy IPA? That's right- it's called "MmmHop!" So. freaking. clever. Please reference the photo below if you don't believe me. Please also note that poor Isaac remained incredibly unfortunate looking for his entire life. I was hoping he would grow out of it:

3. This is incredibly disturbing- brought to you by my dear friend Marian:

This is a perfume of sorts. I wont scare you with an image, or even a description. I'll just give you a direct quote from the website:

" The comfortable roll-on applicator allows you to apply a tiny drop of the arousing liquid on the back of your hand and enjoy the erotic scent of a vagina."

 You can click on that link at your own risk- just know that this is out there, and more disturbingly, there are sick pervy people in this world who are purchasing it and keeping this company in business. Also a bit disturbing- how did Marian find this?

4. I have always been upset with my parents for naming me Lee (obviously they were hoping for a boy), and I have been even more upset with my middle name (I'll never tellllll)- but then I see news stories about people who have truly bizarre, unfortunate names, I want to run all the way to Boston and give my parents a hug. This poor man was not only arrested, but ridiculed for his INSANELY RIDICULOUS NAME. I have to think that he legally changed it himself after a particularly good hit of acid, but what do I know? Maybe he was a failed abortion and his parents hated him from day 1. Either way sit back and behold his full name: Beezow Doo-Doo ZopittyBop-Bop-Bop. This obviously begs the question- what is his last name? Bop? Or is it Bop-Bop? I wish I knew. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Why I am never allowed in a RA sushi ever again

When I was fresh out of college, my two best friends and I decided it was in our best interest to move to Jupiter, Florida. This may seem like a random choice, but I assure you that we only made this decision after a LOT of research and serious discussion. (By research, I mean testing out the local bars, and by discussion, I mean drunkenly hugging and promising to be best friends forever).

Before we took the plunge, we went on a weeklong vacation to Jupiter to test the waters, and we stayed with a friend of a friend. To protect the people in this story, I will change their names. We stayed at Dadam's house, and he and his best friend Pizzer took it upon themselves to show us what Jupiter was all about. The first thing you should know is that we ruined their life that week- but I won't get into that. The important take away from this is that they showed us such a great time that we decided to move into Dadam's apartment complex just 2 weeks later. He was thrilled.

In any case, once we made the move, we spent some time finding jobs and getting the lay of the land. After about two weeks, we were pretty much pros. Also, we became a little bit famous in Jupiter- people called us "those crazy girls from Indiana." One of us even earned the title of "the biggest bitch in Jupiter," but I wont single anyone out Kacie. I think this was mainly because we were 21 years old, new in town, and couldn't have cared less about what people thought of us. (Actually, Val & Kacie were 22. It's important that you know that they are older than me and therefore should be wiser and more mature). This attitude turned out to be our biggest downfall.

On the night in question, Dadam and Pizzer took us out to a place called RA Sushi. This was a hip cool sushi place that turned into a bar after 10pm or so. We strutted into RA, marched straight to the bar, and the three of us started shouting out things to the bartender to get his attention and expedite the drinks. He gave us our drinks, we stayed for awhile, life was great. THEN the bill came.
Little known fact (unless you have been a bartender or server before): when you have a crowded bar, you make notes on your tabs to remember who is who. Example- if a cute guy in a red shirt came up and ordered a beer from me, I would enter it into the system and save him as "hottie in red" or "red shirted wonder" or "guy I want to sleep with in red" or something to that effect. All three of us had been servers at some point in our life, so we knew to look at what he nicknamed us. We only checked because we were being narcissistic sorority girls. I think we were probably expecting to be nicknamed "3 hot blondes" or "the 3 most beautiful funny attractive girls I’ve ever met."

This bartender had saved us as "three whores." (It may have been "3 skanks" or "3 sluts"- I can't totally remember). Now, I don't know if you have met myself, Valarie, or Kacie, but sometimes we tend to get a tad dramatic. The first thing I remember is Kacie SCREAMING that she needed to see a manager immediately. Valarie ran over and tattled to Pizzer and Dadam, who did not take this news well. The next few minutes are a blur- I think I was just running around in circles shouting that I would never darken their doorway again and hurling idle threats at anyone who looked my way. Kacie was shouting at a manager, and Valarie was standing next to a bowl of condoms that were kept on the bar. Yes, this classy place kept a bowl of condoms on the bar. I'm not sure if it was her or Dadam that started throwing the condoms at the bartender- all I know is that very soon, condoms were being fired at the bartender and the manager with a laser rocket arm (Valarie was the QB for powder puff in high school, so I tend to blame her, but again, my memory of all of this is fuzzy). Pizzer informed everyone in the room that we would NEVER give our money to this place again, I was telling everyone I could that I was in fact NOT a whore... at this point, the noise level had hit an all time high. The manager surveyed the scene and decided that enough was enough. Sheilding himself from flying condoms with a drink tray, he looked us right in the face and told us that if we ever entered another RA Sushi establishment again, he would have us forcibly removed.

To this day, I get nervous when I go into a RA Sushi. I imagine that in the back room somewhere, there is a photo from their security camera, a snapshot of that chaotic scene with the caption "Three Whores: Blacklisted." If that does exist, I'd actually like a framed copy. I live about a block from the RA Sushi in downtown Chicago, and everytime I go, I make someone else ask for a table and I refuse to look the server in the eye. They haven't kicked me out yet though, and I wish I had been smart enough to call BS on that mean old manager at the time.

I think it's important that I document that first year in Florida, as it was one of the most eventful in my life. Next time, I'll tell you about the time Moley and a friend came to visit me and her friend got so drunk before 10am that she urinated in her pants while waiting for the liquor store to open.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

To baby... or not to baby.

My entire life, I've had an internal debate with myself over whether I can handle owning children one day. While I enjoy kids and find them cute from a distance, I've always wondered if I would be good at caring for one every single day of its life- namely when it gets a little bit older, a little bit less cute, and a little bit more into enjoying bad things like drugs or the Kardashians.

I won't bore you  with the insanity that is the inner workings of my mind, mainly because last night I threw out all of my old concerns and realized that kids these days are NUTS. I learned this at 10pm as I was purchasing Nyquill and Kitten Food at CVS. I went to the self check out (because I KNOW the cashier would judge me for those pathetic items), and as I swiped my groceries through the scanner, a premature receipt went whipping out of the machine. I looked at the reciept and it said "PREVENTING TEEN COUGH MEDICINE ABUSE- you must be 18 years old to purchase this item."

WHAT? Teens are abusing NYQUILL now? Are you kidding me? Are teens abusing nyquill to get drunk? Because if so, thats impressive- one shot of that knocks me out for DAYS. Or is this more of a 'Tiger Woods on Ambien' type situation? Because it seems to me that most teens should be thrilled to be having any sex at all- they don't need to take a ton of medicine to try to make it a trippy experience. (remember, we are talking about teens under 18, so they are NOT in college yet). And if they do need to be altering their mindset, what happened to good old fashioned ecstacy pills? After doing some research via my sister Moley Cleary, I learned that this is indeed a real issue- in fact, Lil Wayne himself has lyrics about "purple drank," which is apparenly cough syrup mixed with alcohol (I've said it once and I'll say it again- rappers are TERRIBLE influences). And here I thought "purple drank" was grape soda. Man am I out of the loop.

This made me realize that by the time I get married (lets say 10 years from now.. conservatively), then have kids (which lets face it, will be a struggle because I will be OLD, so lets put that 20 years from now), and they become teens (now we are looking at the year 2098), the things teenagers are getting into probably aren't even invented yet- and this is truly terrifying. I thought, as a teen myself once, that I was well prepared to handle the issues that teens face. I took DARE, I watched 90210 and Saved by the Bell.. but I realized that I would be lucky to have my kid pull a 'Jessie Spano on caffiene pills,' or even a 'David Silver on whatever he did that made him stay up all night in the college radio booth.' Remember that? Donna was really worried!

Anyway, I had a lot of time to think about all of this because I was waiting on a CVS employee to come click the button on my screen procaiming that "the shopper is over 18." Now for the best (and most important) part of this story: The cashier guy who came over to see what illegal items I was purchasing INSISTED UPON checking my ID to make sure I was 18 years old. This was obviously the biggest compliment of my LIFE and I nearly hugged him. Now, I know that I don't look 18 to most people, and maybe he was high on cough medicine or something, but I don't care. He had to check. I look 18. I am so young and pretty. Wait... what was I talking about again?