Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Cloudy with a chance of Sex Slavery

Well- this is it. My final goodbye before I hop on a plane and fly off to Europe, most likely never to be heard from again.
I just watched "Taken" again (Liam Neeson the badass rescuing his daughter from a life of sex slavery). I mainly watched this because I wanted to try to pick up a few tips on what NOT to do when I get to Paris. However, after seeing how things went down, I realized that chances are, I'm going to be sold into sex slavery within moments of arriving. I mean lets break this down: 2 girls land in Paris, and a good looking man asks them to share a cab. Is this something that I would allow? Yes. Without a moments hesitation, yes. Even after seeing Taken, yes. Then the cab drops them off at the place they are staying and the nice looking man asks them if he and his presumably nice looking friends can come over that night to hang out/party/show them the town. Would I allow this? Yes. After seeing Taken, not so much. But at this point it won't really matter because the sex selling men can come find us at any time by simply asking the concierge where we are. I'd be willing to bet the hotel staff is in on it too. Plus I'm traveling with Becki, so lets be honest- she will probably hang a sign on our door inviting in any good looking men that want to hang out. Sorry Becki, I'm just playing the odds.
After thinking things through, I feel safer than the girls in Taken for three reasons.
1. It is probably a lot harder to take two screaming and struggling girls out of a hotel than it was to steal them away from a giant empty mansion- so they're gonna have to snag us somewhere else. Which I admit is a possibility.
2. We have chaperones in 2/3 cities- Ryan Hall has been tasked with guarding our virtue in Madrid, and Tyler's friend/ex roommate (I forget the actual connection) is in charge of keeping us off the street corners of Paris- and everyone knows that Londoners aren't into sex slaves.
3. I would be a TERRIBLE sex slave, and I'll make this clear to the people who are trying to sell me. This is probably my biggest saving grace. I mean, these girls in Taken were heavily sedated/drugged up and then put into rooms where men came to have their way with them. Now everybody knows that I don't do well with most drugs (pills/painkillers/sedatives, specifically), mainly because I turn into a sloppy disgusting raving lunatic. I can state several examples of this happening, my favorite being the time Valarie took me in a limosine to a fancy party at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, FL, and I popped some kind of pill and then spent the evening clinging to a pillar with my eyes rolled in the back of my head, mumbling jibberish until she had to stuff me in a cab and take me to Paul's condo where I could try to regain my sanity. I don't see how any man would want to deal with that, no matter how much money he paid.

With all that said, I still don't feel 100% sure that we will make it home. I can see one of us (me) meeting some Londoner and marrying him on the spot, never to be heard from again because lets face it, British accents are my weakness. That is a proven fact- History has shown that I am completely helpless when someone talks British to me. Thats probably why I spend a lot of my time speaking in a fake (and terrible) British accent. Becki has a better history with the Brits than I do (example: the night she left me in the dust at 3am on the streetcorner with 2 british men, hers staring after her with a look of bewilderment on his face), but I guess we'll see! If you don't hear from me on or after the 25th/26th of February, I guess you can just assume one of these two possible scenarios has played out. Lets hope its the latter of the two- although I guess the silver lining to the sex slavery cloud is that I can retire early from climbing the corporate ladder. I realize that isn't the best case scenario, but what can I say- I'm an optimist!

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